How absurd is this? I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. I live in this house that is hardly familiar to me, together with this person I don’t know. I’m doing stuff that I’ve done every day for the past six years still it feels like I’m doing them for the first time.
See, I had a plan. I had a goal in my life and I thought I had found a way to achieve it. And now it’s gone, all gone. And I’m actually lucky. I mean, I chose this, and I know it’s the right decision. It was a breakup by the book (mostly) No ugly fights, we’re still speaking. And I’m fine! I have a place to live, I have a wonderful, supportive circle of friends, I have structure from a job that I love, with amazing colleagues and the list goes on, I’m fine!
And still, in unguarded moments, I feel like I’m drifting on something not even as solid as an ocean. It feels like being weightless and caught in a blizzard and trying to keep very still to prevent myself from getting smashed into stuff. To a control-freak like me, believe me… it’s not very nice… at all
And I’m sure there’s bunches of people in the world that love uncertainty. Not knowing what’s going to happen next. It’s supposed to be immensely exciting. Also, having sole responsibility for oneself is considered to be wonderful and relaxing.
Well, not to me! It freaks me out! Call me crazy but I want geraniums! I need to know where I’m going to be next year or at least something to tell myself about my future that seems plausible, that I can hold on to. I want stability; I’ll get a dog if it helps! Yes, I can get out of my house (well..my house) right now and go out (If I were wearing something other than my sweats). But where will I go and why? And this is me on a Saturday night! Can I be more pathetic?. I’ll probably end up walking around in a night-shrouded city feeling still, deaf, dumb, trying hard not to think while trying to shake loose the thoughts that are stuck in my head like black sticky bits just beyond my reach. So what will that get me? Sore feet from walking around in my heels most likely..
I know I promisedyou guys long and cheerful blogs, but this is the drivel I’m producing at the moment, so bear with me here, okay? I’m getting there..
P.S: Featured by the way are pictures of my trip to Antwerp. It rained most of the time but it was really great! Had a lot of wonderful, even rare, beers and generally a very good time. (See? I told you I was fine) I’ll get to work on the captions asap.