I found out something about myself yesterday. I spend 60% of my writing time trying to overcome fear. Mostly fear of not understanding. The fear of panic (Ghaagh!). Fear that when I give it my all, I still won’t get it and be helpless and hopeless. When I finally surpass that fear, it usually turns out I’m fine. But the trouble is, this fear comes back every single time I slip back into my comfort zone.
Now there’s two things you can do with annoying habits like these. Either try to change them or try to work around them. Or run away screaming, three things. There’s three things you can do.. Gosh, I didn’t expect a sort of Spanish inquisition.
The funny thing is that today I found a way I used to circumvent the fear. In one of my old ‘work’ folders I had a file called ‘ploppy’. At first I thought it was because I had needed to name a file, and all the good names had already been taken*. But this was my actual report. The report I really dreaded to even look at every single day of that wretched internship at the UMCG. Apparently I gave it a harmless funny name to prevent myself from shying away from having to open the big ‘report’ file. A fun little solution, I was kind of proud of it in retrospect. (Go ahead, call me Mrs Vain.. )
Nonetheless I’m going to try and get rid of this fear for good. Just by helping myself have good, non-scary experiences with the situation. Yesterday, I made a big sign and put it on my keyboard for the next morning. It says: Good morning! I have some fun tasks for you today. The are not scary, you can do them. And then it meticulously describes the files and some first steps so I don’t get spooked.
Let’s see how that works..
*Check embedded vid for Blackadder reference